Have you ever had the feeling that you are totally lost? Everything in your life may be going fine but something still seems to be missing. A voice, a thought, something deep inside that bugs you, no matter where you are, no matter what you do. You know deep inside that you miss someone, but somehow you have closed all doors yourself and now you yearn to make things right somehow.
Well! Making things right may not always be an option, but these feelings are not
yours alone, there are many who may be able to connect. Sure, no one will truly understand the pain, your story is unique, but somehow, there are others who have gone through the same. If you are someone who fails to understand their own emotional turmoil and unidentifiable sadness, read on!
There is this feeling, like you are drowning, amidst happiness and cheery crowds, a certain thing clicks or may be it doesn’t click and you go back into the labyrinths of pain and remembrance.
Maybe you cannot name it instantly, but deep down you know you miss someone. Someone long lost or who turned away from you. Maybe it was your own fault. You lay awake at nights, trying to contemplate the meaning of your life. Bit by bit, you deteriorate, trying to make yourself understand what you really want.
Happiness seems hard to come by. In the wake of someone you miss, you fail to appreciate what you have around. But wait, you do appreciate and you tell them how important they are, because you don’t want to be on the losing end anymore. However, that one loss shall always remain, making you wince every time you find reasons to smile, something deep inside you breaks, a crack only you can hear. . . And all that you really have now goes into the back burner because you had never imaged losing what you did.
How is it your fault? What you did wrong? Where the chaos started unfolding? You find
pathways, patterns and instances of your own mistakes. Those faults that you are ready to own up but will it make a difference? When you type things down a thousand times and then erase it all, to cry yourself to sleep, because you are too afraid to hit ‘send’. When you fail to make that one call, because you are too afraid of hearing the rings on the other side, which bring unanswered, brutally ignored calls.
You cannot talk to anyone about it, you are slowly killing yourself. In all the daylight and
sunshine, you carry shadows of darkness within yourself. But how do you name it, speak of it? Your smile is gone. When you read something, it reminds you of them and you smile only to realize what you lost and the darkness unfolds again.
To cheer yourself you step outside and visit a coffee shop but something in that café reminds you of conversations you once had.
“Years from now, I will meet you down in a coffee shop or a bar perhaps, and we’ll again
catch up on all that has been happening in our lives, and everything will still be the same
between us. You will have that wine in your hand and me a cigar, trying to look cool, but
the goofiness and uncontrolled laughter will remain the same between us. Everything in
our lives would have changed but nothing between us would have moved an inch.”
And you look around, trying to make sense of things, desperately hoping for that conversation to get a voice again, when with tears rolling down your eyes you realize nothing remains the same. You hold the burden of so much that is missing and all that is gone. . Nothing remains.